"Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there." — Will Rogers
Trust yourself. I know you hear this a lot. But you just need to stop, listen and trust this whenever you are feeling downhearted. This little blurb is about me, a conflicted creative, trying to make a start in the arts industry as an aspiring actor slash creator slash whatever I am. Entering without much sense of direction, an idea only learnt from others, I’m distracted and undecided about which medium to tackle first and how I can break in. I’ve discovered thinking retrospectively about this tiny industry, instead of comparing the arts to any other in Australia. There are no stepping-stones, no clear path, no to do list, no entry course no mentor program and no real sense of belonging. I believed that I don’t deserve a place at the table until I’ve created or collaborated into the makings of something delicious. So I’ve spent the last 12 months, going to the union organized seminars, the screenings, the in-conversations, I still go see the big stage plays, I audition for small student productions and I watch and listen to a heap of things at home. It absolutely helps, whether you are making things, involved in projects or you are not in anything at the moment- its all about staying in that creative mind frame and remembering why you wanted to become an artist in the first place. I’ve found myself inspired, empowered, moved and then threatened, jealous and overwhelmed all at once. This happens every time I see a great aussie short or feature with actors my age killing it, hear an Australian artist performing their own clever words with their own unique soul melting sound, and sometimes even a clever TVC with actors I know who are similar to me in so many ways, getting paid to become quirky little characters, and I ask myself; I could of done that, I should of done that, why haven’t I done that yet? How come I didn’t get an audition for this? How can I get there next time? With every put down, every missed chance, every audition I set myself up for, I would try to believe that something would come. But as I was only able to commit to so many unpaid gigs, I began to unravel and fail to cope under pressure as the importance of money became the priority, it was better to not apply myself then to risk failure once more. That feeling thick with pressure to succeed and the nagging voice of negativity comparing myself to everyone that was around and ahead of me, was getting louder. I think I ‘lost it’ because I didn’t have the comfort of school anymore. High school, acting school, university, whatever it may be. School is like a comfy home for your creativity- full of schedules, deadlines, healthy amount of pressure, along side like-minded people and the possibilities are endless for you, as you believe that once its all over you will “make it” in the big scary world. Then its no more routines, deadlines to meet, mentors or boundless sources of information and no one around you to keep you plodding along your journey. I didn’t have that sense of community anymore and I fell off the artistic rainbow road and turned into bland boring grey street. A place where I had to prove to everyone around me that I could do this, with no funding and then simultaneously not sell myself short with badly run projects. Its not nice and I know as artists we will all feel this way once or another- rejection is the nature of the beast here but reminding myself that we all go through it, and amongst all the pressure and internal conflicts, “it’s going to be worth it”, pushes me through. I’m learning to not pressure myself so much but instead to just trust that I’m enough. It’s been a bumpy ride to begin with and I know that I’ll hit many more, just like everyone out there that follows their dreams. I now give myself schedules, daily and weekly goals for now, and spend more time with fellow creatives, see my family and make time for the good things in life. I’ve found the more peaceful your mind is with life’s worries that are out of your control, the louder the creative voice is heard. I know I’m only just starting off, I’m young and its ridiculous how I've treated myself in the past, I've learnt to trust myself again and believe that I can make a difference in any medium I commit to, always mindful that the slow and steady eventually get there too. |
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